I can’t remember when I last had a day off.
That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had one, I just can’t remember it. Or much else since my son was born. It’s long been recognised that parenthood is a brain degenerating condition.
I’m sure before I was a parent I spent whole days lounging around in pyjamas watching TV. Not any more.
I know people complain about the whole Frozen phenomena. Poor, bedraggled parents mercilessly strong armed by their children into buying ridiculously over priced merchandise. But there are upsides.
There is now such a thing as a daytime sing-a-long screening. My wife left it up to me whether I went or not. God I love her. In truth I was sorely tempted, I’m quite partial to a sing-a-long, but on the other hand, I could stay at home. Alone. On my own.
I laid my plans carefully. I would only get one shot at this. Wearing pyjamas and dressing gown I lovingly constructed a gigantic sandwich containing both breakfast and lunch foods, to cover both meals. I pulled the comfy chair out into the middle of the room, close to the TV, and in the surround sound sweet spot. Testing confirmed that it was good.
I placed a row of drinks (tea, water, squash) beside the chair. Why not? Who’s going to knock them over? I went to the secret place and took out the DVD I’d been keeping in reserve. A DVD I could never in a million years watch with my wife. A sci-fi action adventure starring Vin Diesel. I held it up. My hand was shaking. I had dreamed so long of this moment.
While Anna and Elsa were forging a new relationship, Vin Diesel was punching an alien lizard’s face off. It was… bliss.
Then the film ended. The house was quiet. Too quiet. I felt a bit sick because of the gigantic sandwich. A bit sick, and a bit lonely.
When my family got home I nearly cried.
Parenthood has broken me. In a good way. Sort of.
Who wants a day off anyway.