My children are amazing.

They’re the most amazing children that have ever been born, or ever will be born. I know that seems improbable. I’m including a lot of children in that statement. I’m also aware that many other parents think exactly the same thing about their children. The problem with them thinking they’re children are the most amazing children in the world is that it’s ridiculous and bonkers. Because mine are.

My daughter’s vocabulary, for instance, is amazing. At 22 months my son was still mostly pointing and grunting. To be fair, he points and grunts now, but that’s more to do with vulgarity than lack of words. My daughter seems to adopt a new word every day. Amazing.

In fact, it’s a little bit over-amazing. If I’m being objective, most of her new words sound made up. She has started to wonder around babbling her new words incoherently. I can make out the odd word, but much of is indecipherable, like another language. Could she be independently learning a second language? Maybe. She is amazing after all.

Then she starts roaming the house wailing like a lunatic in her made up language, then moaning like a ghost, then speaking in tongues as though she’s having some sort of vision. Could my daughter be the world’s youngest tribal shaman? That would be very advanced. But she is, after all, amazing.

Then it starts getting a bit, well, scary. “Hello! hello!” she shouts, then embarks on a terrifying stream of gibberish, her voice pitching from strangulated growl to dolphin whistle to demonic chant. I wonder whether I should phone the doctor, or maybe a priest. By the sound she’s producing, I wouldn’t be surprised if she started levitating. A possessed daughter would be pretty amazing, I suppose. And she is amazing.

Then her favourite TV programme comes on. Mr. Tumble starts waving and singing his song, and she starts chanting and squeaking again. And then I realise what she’s doing, and relief and joy overwhelm me. My daughter’s not insane, or possessed. She’s singing!

My daughter can sing! She is so amazing.