Turns out, despite all the evidence, I am a parenting genius.
If you like solving problems, don’t be a parent. Parenting problems are, I’ve discovered, basically unsolvable.
Take the classic night nappy conundrum, for instance. When do you stop putting a child in nappies at night? How can you know when the time is right?
If you stop too early and it all goes horribly wrong, you can’t go back to nappies. That’ll just make it twice as hard when you try it again, which could then go wrong again, making you have to start again, again, quadrupling the difficulty. Before you know it you’ll be putting a nappy on a five year old.
Of course it could go right, but how can you know? After all, why on earth should they stop weeing in their nappy, or bed. It’s so convenient for them. And things have not exactly been problem free so far. Earlier today my son told me he had decided not to use toilet paper any more. I asked him what he was going to use instead. He held up a hand and wiggled his fingers. My horror at this was so great I struggled not to phone the emergency services.
The impossibility of knowing what to do isn’t helped by the fact that I’m not one of life’s most decisive people. Amazingly, though, when faced with impossible decisions, my brain weakness turns out to be a huge advantage. Almost a super power. I seriously thinking of becoming a motivational speaker.
Here’s how it works. Imagine you’ve got an impossible parenting decision to make. Now, empty your mind. Completely. Think of nothing. Just go vacant. I know it sounds hard, but you might have a talent for it like me. When your mind is completely empty, let your unconscious mind make the decision for you.
My son woke up this morning without a pull up nappy on. He hadn’t wee’d in his bed. My amazing vacant brain solved the problem by simply making me forget to put a nappy on him. Genius. Thank you brain.
Now, he just needs to not wee tonight, and all subsequent nights, and my genius will be confirmed.