I will never bend

I never recommend products. Never. It’s just not something I do. Ever.

So here’s my product recommendation. Unlike all other parenting product recommendations, which are all lies, this one will literally change your life immeasurably for the better. Fasten your seat belts, ladies and gentlemen. I’m about to blow your minds.

Babies are cute. They’re funny. They’re noisey. But most of all, they are disgusting. Why can’t they just eat food? Why does it have to go all over their faces? And clothes? And the floor? Surely evolution should have made babies that can get food in their mouths, to prevent starvation if nothing else.

Eighty percent of the food he gets his hands on ends up as horrible, rancid floor compost. I could hoover it up, but hoovering food seems gross and wrong somehow. And I can’t bare the idea of a greasy tube. The only real answer is to get down there with a dustpan and brush. It was there, while I was down on all fours, amongst the vile mess, being laughed at and having food thrown at me like a slave at a viking feast, that the life changing idea came to me.

Two things will happen when you drunkenly knock over a pot plant in the foyer of an american hotel. Come on, we’ve all been there. The second thing is that you will be escorted from the building. The first is that a man will emerge carrying a dustpan and brush… with handles. Long handles. So he doesn’t have to bend down. It’s called a janitorial dustpan and brush, and it is the best thing that has ever been created. Between 10 and 20 pounds on Ama-bay, depending on crapness. I now officially love my janitorial dustpan and brush more than I love my children.

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