Namaste.

Welcome to this Yoga lesson for beginners. Yoga is excellent for reducing stress, increasing core strength and flexibility, and maintaining overall health. But particularly good for  reducing stress, particularly when you have small children who are trying to destroy you.

First, place a folded blanket on the floor. You should have a yoga mat, but yoga is not something you ever imagined yourself attempting. You’re just desperate. Now, try to squat on your knees with your toes splayed, as I am, but then quickly realise that that is agonisingly painful and move to a more comfortable cross legged position. Place your hands together, close your eyes, breath deeply, and calmly imagine positive goals for your day.

Next, brace yourself as your two year old grabs hold of your cheeks and demands that you switch the TV back to Cbeebies. Try to stay calm as he rhino-charges you and knocks you over like a chubby skittle. Pause the video, carry him to another area, place crayons and paper in front of him. Resume the video.

Next, fail to adopt any positions other than something called “the warrior”, which is basically just standing with your legs apart. Now, annoyed with yourself, attempt something called “downward dog”. Simply bend over until you start feeling dizzy, then walk your hands out in front of you until you are in a position you’re not sure you can get out of. Notice your breathing. Also notice your two year old crawling in beneath you to attempt his own downward dog. Panic as you feel your hands start to slip. Screech at him to get out of the way. Hear him laugh and say “no”.

Finally hurl yourself sideways and land painfully on the floor. Then, swearing, stop this video and put Cbeebies back on.

Namaste.